A Kiss and some Brush Rollers

We knew for three years that Mom's illness would take her life, and I thought I had prepared myself for her passing. I wrote her several letters telling her just how much she meant to me. I wrote a poem and dedicated my last book to her. Dad and I stayed busy meeting each stage as it came along, letting the busy-ness of building a ramp or rearranging the furniture to accommodate the wheel chair or hospital bed or a myriad of other projects - make us feel like we had a handle on this monster taking over Momma's body. I thought I had prepared myself well for the inevitable. But I hadn't.

I remember so clearly when Momma walked into the kitchen and told me she'd received a new diagnosis: ALS. We held onto each other and cried. Then the next day she and Dad still volunteered at the food bank. Later I took her to the hair-dresser and after I picked her up, we just drove around town for a while wailing at the top of our lungs. One of the side effects of ALS was losing control of one's emotions, until medication fixed that. I'd never heard Mom cry like that before. I rarely ever saw her cry. But I was wailing just as loud as she was, and I didn't have a disease to blame it on.

After that, I only let myself cry on the way to work or coming home. I tried not to cry around Mom. I didn't want to make her even sadder than she was. She would've felt bad for making us sad-- that's the kind of person she was. But often I'd picture myself climbing into bed with her and hanging on for dear life, and I wanted to do it so badly on so many occasions. But I didn't…  until she was in her last hours. 

I know it bothered Mom that we had to keep doing more and more for her as the disease gradually paralyzed her, but she was no problem. Taking care of her wasn't the hard part. Living in this house without her was the hard part. Missing her so terribly the months after she passed was the hard part. I tortured myself with the 'wishing I'd just sat and held her hand more' kind of thinking or questioning if she really, really knew how much we loved her and knew how much we were missing her. I began to hope God would let her send a message that she knew, but I wasn't sure if that kind of request would be okay with God. 

Several months after Mom passed, Dad told me that he was sitting in the recliner napping, and he felt someone kiss him right on the mouth. Then he said he could smell Mom-- like her lotion or makeup in the air. He said he probably dreamed it, but that it felt so real. I smiled when I heard that, and I told myself whether it was real or not, it was comforting to hear it. Then I found myself thinking like a little girl… "but what about me?" Then I chided myself that it was right for Dad to receive that kiss. He was, after all, her life partner of over 60 years. 

After Thanksgiving a few months ago, we took in a sweet little dog to keep Snickers company, and it took no time at all for Rolo to steal our hearts. (We have a candy theme going with our pets' names). Not long after she arrived, I stepped on something squishy on my carpet, and assumed it was 'you know what,' but it was one of Mom's brush rollers Rolo had somehow found and brought to my room. I chunked it since no one uses them in this house anymore.

The next day or so another one showed up on the floor in my room. I chunked this one, too, wondering where Rolo was finding them. I assumed Dad must've left the cabinet door open under his bathroom sink. A third roller showed up not long after that, and then it dawned on me that maybe those rollers were for me. Since then I learned the rollers were closed up in the bottom drawer of the bathroom cabinets, so I'm not sure how Rolo got to them. And she hasn't brought any more to my room since. 

I like to think they were messages for me. I have no idea if they actually were, but it makes me smile to think so. I've stopped torturing myself with the 'I wish I'd…' thoughts or the 'Did she know…' questions.  God has brought to mind memories and thoughts that told me that she did know how much we loved her. One of the most powerful confirmations is knowing how I feel about my own children. Mom told us on more than one occasion that her family was the best part of her life. She knew.

Knowing we'll see her again because of our faith in Christ is so comforting, but that doesn't take away the ache of missing her on a daily basis. We just learn to live with it, alongside family and joy and friends and peace and mowing lawns and success and housecleaning and mistakes and love and work and relationships and memories and kisses and brush rollers...

'In the Arms of God'

I just wanted to share with you what God did for me today. My Sunday School class has been doing a Beth Moore study, so that's what I've been doing each day during my quiet time. Since we're taking it slow, though, I tend to get too far ahead in the book, so the last couple of days I've picked up Max Lucado's devotional, Grace for the Moment, and read two weeks of devotionals at a time since I've been way behind on that one since Mom passed.

I started reading on September 9th and decided to read to my birthday on September 24th. The thought crossed my mind that I was expecting God to give me something special on my birthday devotion. I have been enveloped in sadness the last four months and eleven days-- not sad that Mom's with the Lord, just sad because I miss her presence so much. This house that we both enjoyed isn't the same without her. On October 25, four months after she passed, I wrote on my calendar, "I didn't cry today." It gave me hope that the deep sadness would lift some day.

Remember I said the thought crossed my mind that I was expecting God to give me something special on my birthday devotion? Well, He did. Here is what the September 24th devotion-- my birthday date-- said:

"In the Arms of God
Everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. John 11:26

We don't like to say good-bye to those whom we love. Whether it be at a school or a cemetery, separation is tough. It is right for us to weep, but there is no need for us to despair. They had pain here. They have no pain there. They struggled here. They have no struggles there. You and I might wonder why God took them home. But they don't. They understand. They are, at this very moment, at peace in the presence of God...

When it is cold on earth, we can take comfort in knowing that our loved ones are in the warm arms of God. And when Christ comes, we will hold them, too."

And today I shed tears of joy with that little reminder that God knows. He's very aware of what's happening in my life... and yours.

Blog Hiatus

For the next few months, I plan to focus on finishing book 6, With Liberty and Justice, so future posts will be scanty... unless I'm about to burst about something that would apply to Comfy Socks. : )

Gangy

Isla Casey

December 5, 1933 - June 26, 2013

Eulogy

Have you ever attended a funeral where they said so many nice things about the dearly departed, and you looked around to see if you were in the right place because you didn't remember all those wonderful qualities about that person? Well, this isn't one of those eulogies because everything I tell you about Isla Casey, our mother, or Gangy, as she's known to her grand and great grands, as she called them, is the truth.

This isn't a repeat of her obituary that was printed in the funeral programs. That's a simple outline of her life, and there is so much more to her than that. I want to share a few more things about the kind of person she was, and those details often fall between the lines of the obituary.

I was so blessed to have spent the last four and a half years as roommates with my parents. I know now that God knew what was coming and orchestrated so many things in our lives to prepare us. Most of you knew Mom had ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease. Just five months after she moved to Taylor in 2008, she began slurring her words. But for fifteen months, we were told she had something treatable, but none of the treatments worked. We were devastated when they finally diagnosed it as ALS, but we learned to live one day at a time and face each challenge as it came. Mom didn't deserve this disease, but she never showed any anger or bitterness about it. She never complained or felt sorry for herself. She accepted it with such courage and grace, and did the best she could. 

I am so grateful to have spent this time with her, and I'll treasure it always. I got to know my mother in ways I've never known before, and it made me love and respect her even more. And I have to mention Dad in this eulogy because it's hard to write or talk about one without including the other. They truly epitomized "two will be one" when it came to their marriage.

I'm a writer, and if I had been in my mother's shoes, I would've taken every spare moment to write down all of my memories and hopes and dreams and thoughts--past and future for my children and grandchildren. And I hoped Mom would feel the same way, but she didn't. I had to keep asking her questions about her growing up years and the places we'd lived, and she'd answer them, but only after being prompted. I'm grateful for the stories she told me, and there was so much more she didn't tell me, but I came to accept it.

Looking back over the years, I realized that Mom put her time and effort into relationships in her life. She valued and focused on people rather than the controversial issues or thoughts of our day. She told me one time after I was probably stressing and over-analyzing something that I would be a lot happier if I didn't think so much. And I think she was right.

My mother was born on a cotton farm during the Depression, but her father took good care of her and her family, and they were able to turn around and help others in need. I think that made a big impression on her because I saw that pattern repeated throughout her life. But Mom and Dad were quiet about it; no telling how many people they helped through the years that we don't know about.

Momma's father died suddenly when she was only thirteen. When she was a junior in high school, she and her mom moved to Three Rivers. Before too long she started noticing this good-looking man working at the hardware store downtown. She told us that two other girls were chasing Jimmy Casey, too, at that time, and that she just outran them.

Mom had just turned eighteen when she married Dad in a simple ceremony in George West, Texas, in a motel office that the preacher managed. They spent their honeymoon weekend in Cotulla, Texas. Little did they know that seven towns and sixteen years later they'd be living most of their married life back in Cotulla. At the time of their marriage, Dad was in the Navy stationed in Corpus Christi, and then he was transferred to NAS Alameda Island near Oakland, California. They were so far from home, but I think that helped cement their relationship because they had no one to depend on but themselves. They had their first two children there-- my sister and me, before heading back to Texas.

They tried their hand at cotton farming during one of the worst droughts of the century during the mid-fifties, and I share this because Mom told me those were the hardest years of her life. By then, baby #3-- a son had arrived, which meant she'd had three babies in three years. She said you have to be young and stupid to do that, but she never regretted it. And eventually they had a fourth child, another son. The only thing that saved her during those farming years, she said, was Daddy taking her and us young-uns to the drive-in movie every Friday night. At the end of those three years, though, they had to sell everything they had to get out of debt, and Dad changed to a career involving electronics.

Mom learned to bloom wherever she was planted, and the phrase fit her perfectly. Until they moved to Cotulla, they moved about every three years in order to advance in Dad's job. When they lived in Fort Stockton, they lived in four different houses in those three and a half years. I never really thought about how hard that must've been for her, but she handled it just fine.

Mom and Dad always lived within their means. That didn't mean they didn't need help at times, but for most of their married lives, they were always willing to help anyone who needed it. Things have never owned them, and they've been content with what they have. I can tell you that the Casey kids ate a lot of baloney sandwiches at roadside parks when we traveled, and we hit a lot of parks and historical sites through the years. But our favorite trips were when my parents spent many inexpensive vacations visiting our cousins back on the cotton farm, which meant nine rowdy kids under one roof. But all of those times together as a family have made the best memories.

I love my mother's heart for helping. When they lived in Harlingen, she volunteered at the big hospital not far from their home. She and Dad volunteered ten years working with the Texas Baptist Men Camp Builders, where they traveled around Texas (primarily) and lived in a camper trailer eight months out of the year working at church camps providing labor for construction projects. And within a few months of moving to Taylor, she began volunteering an afternoon a week at the local hospital gift shop. She and Dad also volunteered at the Food Bank, and Mom helped count the money for the church and she and Dad helped fold the newsletters that were mailed each month. She continued to work for as long as she could after her diagnosis.

My mother so loved my father and took such good care of him. Since I've lived with them, I learned that she spoiled him pretty good. But my dad got his turn to be her hero as he so sweetly took care of her when she could no longer take care of herself. The Casey kids never had to question their love for each other or for us, and we're so thankful for their example of what a marriage should be.

Mom loved games. She loved watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. She especially loved the San Antonio Spurs, and she never missed a televised game if she could help it. Dad and I would walk through the living room and check the score every so often, but it was too nerve-wracking for us to sit there and watch. But she stayed with them 100%. She told me several years ago after moving to Taylor: "A loving family, a beautiful home, and getting to watch the Spurs... it doesn't get any better than this."

Momma loved the Lord and lived out her faith with her actions, not just words. That's how she spoke best. The first thing my parents did when they moved to a new community was find a church home. I told them when they moved to Taylor that we could visit several churches and they could pick whichever one they felt God leading them to. I brought them to First Baptist Church first, and during the invitation Dad leaned over and said, "Y'all ready?" And we walked down the aisle and joined this church.

 

Momma loved to sing, and she joined the choir in every church she attended, including Taylor First Baptist until she couldn't sing anymore. She sang alto, and I don't know how many of us learned to sing alto standing next to her, but probably many.

I don't know about you, but I learned that generally, my mother knew best. We loved her sense of humor, and she loved to laugh. She was game for anything and was so much fun to hang around. When our family gets together, one of the things we do best (besides eating) is laugh.

We all wore moustaches in honor of our youngest brother Bobby's 50th birthday

My mother made good friends every place she lived, and she knew how to be a good friend. Thank you for being a friend to her.

But most of all, Momma loved her family, and she was so proud of every one of her children and her grands and great-grands. And we all loved her fiercely. She was the rock and the heart of our family, and we will never be the same without her. I'm going to write her story one day, if for no one but her family because I want her descendants to know what a special person she was. But if you knew her, you've already read the book, and that's the best part... knowing her.

I love John Mayer's song, Say What You Need to Say. Too often someone passes before we tell them how much they mean to us. I had some time with my mother, which gave me the opportunity to tell her the things I needed to say to her. But I had to write them down because I couldn't help but bawl every time I wanted to say something significant to her. And if it's written, it can be read again and again. I want to encourage you all to not wait until someone's gone before you tell them how much they meant to you.

I dedicated my last book to my mother, and it was after she lost her ability to speak. I'd like to share the poem I wrote for that. It was written in first person singular, but I've changed it to first person plural because it could be the words of my siblings, too.

For our mother, Isla,

whose eyes first saw us;

Our best and worst attempts at anything in life

find safe harbor with you,

along with our pieced and quilted hearts.

We love your intelligence and humor and generosity;

You taught us so much

by how you lived your life;

More so than words,

Much more so than words.

We still see you vibrant and beautiful,

and that won't change,

even when our roles reverse;

You've always been strong for us;

It's our turn now to be strong for you.

We still hear you;

We've not forgotten your voice;

It lives in our memories,

and there it will remain

until it's perfectly restored on the other side.

We love hanging out with you,

even in the storms;

And no matter who gets there first,

Remember our date by the gate;

Until then, we'll walk side by side with you.

Thank you for honoring Mother with your presence today. Thank you for your friendship with her. Thank you for all of your acts of kindness in visiting, sending cards, calling and checking on her, having Sunday School class at the house so she could still be included, and many other expressions of love for her. 

We can't wait until we see her again, and we will, based on our faith in Christ. God bless you all.

Photo borrowed from MyInvisibleCrown.wordpress.com

Mom used the thumbs up sign to say "Yes," or "I'm fine," or to agree with you. And she used the love sign to tell us she loved us.

We love you, Mom!

I don't know about you, but...

 I happen to know the One who hung the moon.

NessaDeeArt

It never ceases to amaze me that the God who created the universe would want to have a personal, intimate relationship with me. God's love is not divided and diminished among the mass of humanity to the point where each of us receives only a distant, microscopic portion of Himself. His love is complete in each of us. You and I have God's undivided attention at any moment of the day. That truth doesn't sink in without totally overwhelming me.

God reaches out to each of us in countless ways to show his love towards us, but how often do we hear folks give luck, fate, chance, or coincidence the credit? God has chosen clay pots to house this treasure of love, but He never meant for them to be self-contained. He intends for his love in us to spill over onto others.

For too long I felt like I had to earn God's love somehow, not realizing there was nothing I could do to make God love me any more or any less than He already did.

Amazing.

Read Between the Lines

My daughter and I attended an SCBWI Writers Conference in Arlington, Texas, a couple of years ago. My son was two months into a three-month assignment in a hot spot on the other side of the world where phone and Internet capabilities were limited. During the morning of the second day of the conference, he sent me an email telling me he wanted to Skype with me that day, and gave me instructions how to set it up so we could see each other as we visited. The time difference was seven hours ahead of us, and he said he had to wait until late at night to call when the usage was lower.

Conference attendees had a thirty minute break at 2:00 p.m., so I tried to connect with him, but the calls kept failing to go through. At 3:30 we were sitting at a table directly in front of the stage listening to one of the keynote speakers when somebody's cell phone started ringing. Loudly. I looked around to see whose it was before I realized it was my laptop ringing like a phone. I opened it up, and there was Van's face grinning at me.

I was horrified that my laptop had so rudely interrupted the speaker, but the momma in me wasn't about to miss this call. I leaned over and whispered to the screen, "Just a minute," grabbed my laptop and started working my way through all the tables in the conference room to get to the hall outside. When I finally sat down in front of the laptop, Van was laughing his head off.

I asked him what was so funny, and he said he'd called all of his co-workers over to meet his mother, and all they saw for a long minute or so was my striped chest bouncing up and down on the screen while I was trying to get out of the conference room. By the time my face was back on the monitor, all the other men had slunk away, probably too embarrassed on my behalf to meet me. That's not the first time I've embarrassed my son, but I figure that's just one of my jobs as his mother.

Less than a year later my grandkids' other grandma called and asked if I'd heard the news of the four Americans' demise in a place that rhymes with 'ten gauze ee,' and I told her yes. She asked if I was okay, and again, I told her yes. It wasn't until some time later that it finally dawned on me that this was the same place my son had been assigned ten months before. And he had been providing security for the same person that had been killed. It hit me like ice water the danger my son's job often takes him, and then for a while, I wasn't okay. I immediately called him 1. to hear his voice, 2. to find out if he was okay, and 3. to hear his take on the situation. He has a group picture with the am bass a door, who he said was very nice and very good at his job. And he was there because he wanted to make a positive difference in that part of the world. It saddens me every time I see that photograph.

My son told me years ago when he was assigned to his first danger post to not worry about him. He said  that when his time was up, it was up, no matter where he was stationed. He said he could be walking across the street in DC and get hit by a car. Since then I've tried not to worry unless he gives me good reason to.

I wondered if I should even write this post since some big outfit with three initials is scrolling through all of our communications and blogs looking for certain keywords. If I get a knock on my door by some men in black, I'll try to keep you posted. But if this blog disappears, you'll know why. : )

Family Friendly?

It chaps my hide every time I see ABC's disclaimer tacked onto the beginning of the 700 Club saying, "The following CBN telecast does not reflect the views of ABC Family." 

Why do they feel so threatened about a show that does more good around the world than any other similar faith-based news show? Operation Blessing, Orphan's Promise, schools started around the world, surgery and health services made available to areas that have little or none, water wells for clean water, micro-businesses started, and so much more are some of the outstanding ministries they support. 

I don't agree with some of the things I've heard on the 700 Club, but that doesn't mean I discount everything about it and go to great lengths to disassociate with it. Overall, I know what the 700 Club represents, and that disclaimer makes me question the sense of the people running ABC Family. 

 As a believer in Christ, I am also thankful that the 700 Club provides news from a Christian world view. They often cover stories that the mainstream media doesn't. They also provide good segments on health and nutrition. I went through eighteen months of health problems and many visits to a gastroenterologist who did every test in the book and wanted to start all of them over when he couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. The 700 Club was one of the first shows to warn of the dangers of aspartame poisoning, and I  recognized that I had some of the same symptoms they listed. I immediately quit drinking diet colas and those symptoms - some of them debilitating - disappeared within two weeks.  

The 700 Club also interviews authors, athletes, actors, pastors, musicians, and others whose lives have been impacted by their relationship to Christ. They were one of the first shows, if not the first, to re-create real-life experiences of people using actors or the actual people involved to tell the story, which other shows regularly do now. 

ABC Family's new logo says, A New Kind of Family, and I just about choked when I heard an announcer say ABC Family was so proud to present Pretty Woman as one of the movies they showed. I noticed they scheduled another new kind of family-friendly movie recently - Burlesque. If those two movies are their idea of good family entertainment, they've gone off the deep end. 

It's hard to find good family entertainment on TV these days. But we think one of the best family-friendly shows on TV today is Disney's Good Luck, Charlie. It's one of the few children's shows with an intact, functioning family. The parents are very much involved each week, which I think encourages all ages to tune in. Four generations in my family watch and love that show. 

ABC Family is also owned by Disney, and is contractually obligated to show the 700 Club, but the poor souls don't realize that's one of the best shows on that channel.