Saying Goodbye

One of the foundation characters of my mom's favorite soap, The Bold and the Beautiful, made a permanent exit from the show today. I haven't watched a soap opera in thirty years, but I couldn't help but catch snatches of it walking through the living room while Mom had the TV on. I found myself holding back sobs watching Susan Flannery, portraying the matriarch Stephanie Forrester, touchingly play out her last scenes reconciled with her arch-nemesis Brooke. I'm glad the writers ended it that way.

The storyline hit a little too close to home with my mother entering the difficult stages of ALS. I fluctuate between keeping a happy face on, which I sometimes confuse with denial, and watching my beautiful mother deteriorate daily. I pray that God helps me to be sensitive to her needs, trying to find a good balance between doing what I can for her versus not taking away her independence and need to feel needed, and that balance isn't always easy to find.

It bothers her tremendously to be so helpless and have to depend on others to help her do little things like help her out of the chair, help her dress, and cook for her. She even wrote me a note apologizing for being so helpless and that we ought to put her in a nursing home. That broke my heart. I told her that she has years of 'help credit' built up from all she's done for us, and that I'm happy to be here for her. She is the most giving person I know. We want to keep her home as long as possible if we're capable of taking care of her.

On Fridays I take her to the beauty shop in her wheel chair, and for twenty minutes, I get to read the magazines. I was flipping through a People magazine and came across an interview with the wonderful singer Amy Grant. The photos were of her family, and the biggest one was Amy and her father walking together outside. She lost her mother in 2011, and the article said both parents suffered from dementia.

She shared something that really struck home with me. She said, "A friend told me, 'This is the last great lesson that your parents will teach you.' That changed everything. I've learned that even tough situations are beautiful."

I never thought about this being a lesson. I just know that I want to do it well. I want to make these days as good as they can be for my mother, and even though things are getting hard, I'm grateful for the extra time I have with her.