Say What You Need to Say

One of the most tragic things when losing a loved one is realizing there were things that still needed to be said that didn't get said. Some people are distraught because they didn't get to tell their loved one goodbye, but I think the expression of love during a lifetime trumps saying goodbye at the end. And if love is expressed regularly during a lifetime, the loved one knows that whether it gets said at the end or not. 

I wrote a letter to Mom a week after her diagnosis of ALS, and it was comforting for me to tell her how much I appreciated and loved her. 

July 29, 2010

Dear Momma,

Eventually, I hope I can express myself without crying, but right now I'm just not able to, and I don't want to make you feel worse. But I need to tell you some things now-- the song Say What You Need to Say by John Mayer comes to mind.

I felt like I've been drowning in grief the past few days-- I know this is a normal process, but I don't want to be that way around you. This isn't about me here, it's about you, and too often I've taken your strength for granted. And I know I don't express it often enough, but I hope you know what you mean to this family, and especially to me. We don't want to let go of you. I know everyone has to go through this at some point in their lives, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I know now how you felt about your mother and her health issues, and worrying about her, and wanting to do what you could to help her, and later how hard it was to let her go. You and Daddy have set such a good example of honoring and taking care of your parents. I'm so thankful that we've lived close to you most of our grown-up years (in spite of you telling Joy and me to live in separate towns from you-- ha! and we know why you said that). I'm so thankful that my kids and grandkids know you well and are so comfortable around you. They don't do it out of obligation-- they love to hang out with you. You were important in Van and Nessa's lives growing up, and Ness is passing that on to Audrie and Finn. I want to get a picture of Finn climbing up there on the new loveseat and sitting between you and Dad -- that just melted my heart to see that he loves you and is so comfortable with y'all. You've taught them so much, too, and given them a place they love to visit. And that goes for Trixie, too!!

Janet's mom passing so suddenly was a good wake up call for me to stop grieving so much and start appreciating the fact that you're still here with us and that I need to focus on that and treasure each moment. I've been watching too much TV and I even broke my five-game rule and played a ton of Free Cell to take my mind off what's coming, and I don't want to keep doing that. We all feel so helpless, but the material Joe sent us gave us some hope that maybe there was something we could do. Hope felt so good, and I'm going to hang onto it. I think of the lady in Nessa's church who's been at Stage 4 cancer for at least seven years now, and there she was the Sunday I visited a few weeks ago-- going down to the front of the church with her husband to pray and minister to other people. She probably drove a team to the Backyard Bible Club again like she did last year. And there you were at the Food Bank the day after your diagnosis and continuing to volunteer at the hospital and church this week. I'd probably still be in bed (my first reaction to anything traumatic) a week after a diagnosis like that. You are amazing.

You always said I was a daddy's girl, and that was true when I was young-- probably because you did the primary disciplining in the house.    : )  But I've been a momma's girl for years now. Like the kids, I love hanging around with you. I love your humor. I love your strength. I love your generous and compassionate heart. I love the example you set as a faithful and godly wife. I love that you've graciously put up with Dad's hoarding all these years. I love your cooking. I love your faithfulness to the Lord, and I know He put you in this house and church and town for this time, so I trust that He's watching out for you. I love living with you and Daddy and getting to know you better, and I love that we have the time to reminisce and record your story. I love sitting and visiting with you on the porch. I love watching the birds and flowers blooming around the house. I love that you are my mother, and that I've never doubted your love for me and the rest of the family. What a secure feeling that has been all of my life.

Our giant at this moment is ALS, and like David, we're going to face it head on with God's strength and help. I know there will still be moments of intense sadness coming, and we have our work cut out for us, but we will get through this together. And for the time God allows us, we are going to make the most of it. Just know you are so very loved by me and the rest of your children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, kinfolks, and the countless friends you have made along the way.

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Don't wait until a funeral to express how you feel about someone. Let them know now.

Women of All Ages Classes

My Sunday School class  composed of women of all ages is such a shot in the arm for me each week. I always go away so encouraged and inspired, and I would recommend anyone finding a small group to share their faith and life journey as they study God's Word. And I love the age differences where the younger ones can learn from the older ones, and vice versa, and that's biblical.

This is the third church that I've attended that's had a Women of All Ages Class. Frances Leigh felt led to start one in Cotulla First Baptist Church, and that was my first class. Her intention was to minister to divorcees, but married women also gravitated there because the teaching and camaraderie was so wonderful. Thank you, Frances, for listening to the Lord and meeting a need in providing a safe, healing, and supportive class for women of any age at FBC.

I next attended a Women of All Ages Class in a large Baptist church in Austin. The class was team-taught by two amazing Bible teachers who happened to be former lesbians. The Lord definitely took me through a learning curve with these two remarkable women and the struggles they faced with their sexuality and their faith. The class started off small, but grew to where we had to move to a much larger meeting room. And when I went through my divorce, this was the church I attended, which was a tremendous help to me during that difficult time. I have no doubt God orchestrated that, too.

And now my current Sunday School class of women of all ages at FBC Taylor is taught by two extraordinary women: Judy Schroeder and Penni Hudson. They are so knowledgeable about the Word of God, and between the two of them, they have such amazing experiences in missions and travel throughout the Holy Land and other countries with ties to biblical history. And God is using their life experiences in such a mighty way to minister to other women going through similar situations. Thank you, Penni & Judy, for your friendship and prayers and ministry through this class of women of all ages.

No woman is immune to the difficulties of life, but they are much more bearable when you have women of faith that understand what you're going through and are willing to come alongside of you in prayer. I don't know how people function in this life without their faith and God's grace, peace, guidance, and strength during challenging times, which are most often demonstrated through his children.

A Different Kind of Stroll

After three or four months cooped up in the house during flu season, Mom finally decided to take a stroll with Dad down the street in her power chair. I missed getting a picture of them out on the street, so I caught them inside. I definitely need to do a better countdown for Dad's sake.

But they're hanging their hats by the door like this may become a regular thing. Sure hope so!

Precious Ladies

Mom has been homebound for the past three months or so-- staying away from crowds during flu season. Dad has been walking over to the church during the week to pick up the dvd of the morning worship service so they could still participate that way.

But yesterday, Mom's Sunday School class was so thoughtful to come to the house to have class with Mom this week. And Dad sure enjoyed being in a class with a dozen lovely ladies. : )

That is truly walking the walk. Thank you, so much, sweet ladies. Mom loved having you visit our home.

Some Quotes from My Mom

"Our house growing up was a two-bedroom stucco, and I slept on a couch in my parents' room the entire time we lived there. I still like the feel of the back of the couch against my back, and instead of rolling over and facing the couch, I switched ends lengthwise so my back still remained against the couch." 
---Mom sharing with me about her growing up years.

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"Two other girls were chasing your Daddy when I was chasing him. I just outran them."

---Mom worked at the confectionary in downtown Three Rivers, and two other of her friends worked downtown and they all had a crush on Jimmy Casey, who worked at House Hardware down the street. Momma was the one who caught him.

*  *  *

"The time we lived on the farm was the hardest time of my life, but on Friday nights, we would go to the drive-in movie. I'd work so hard to get everything ready-- three children bathed and put in their pajamas, Kool-aid and hotdogs made for supper, and then we'd head to the movie. Looking forward to that each week was what saved me during those years."
---Mom sharing about the early years of my parents' marriage when she had three little ones in diapers, a wringer washer on the porch and a never-ending clothesline.

*  *  *

"Fort Stockton was one of the ugliest towns we lived in, but it had beautiful people."
---It's been almost fifty years since they lived in Ft. Stockton, but Mom and Dad still keep up with friends they made there. 

*  *  *

"You'd be a lot happier if you didn't think so much." 
---She told me that years ago when I was probably over-thinking, over-analyzing something like I often did.

*  *  *

"They installed a Sears die-hard battery in me."
---Mom's comment on her pace-maker operation in 2000.

*  *  *

"A loving family, a beautiful home, and getting to watch the Spurs... it doesn't get any better than this."
---Mom told me in November 2010

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"My silk pajama top is long enough to wear by itself, so if I really want to be sexy...
     I wear the bottoms, too."
-- Mom told us when she was in her sixties or seventies

*  *  *

Caught, rather than taught from my parents:

• Love your family
• Laugh often
• Live within your means
• Live honestly and with compassion
• Love and serve the Lord and others

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